Accepting Grief Over Losing Your Pre-COVID Life Can Lead to a Better You.

Previously published at Medium.

Whether we admit it or not, we are all in a state of shared grief over the way of life we lost because of the COVID 19 pandemic. It came as a shock — an event that shattered and changed our lives in a matter of months.

Almost for the first time in history, the entire planet is living through a shared experience: isolation, lockdown, fear of disease and loss of some kind. Many people are left unemployed. Entire businesses closed. Social life as we used to know it is altered. We lost access to athletic events, yoga studios, concerts and movie theaters. We can’t play sports or attend large sporting events. Shopping and dining is done on the run. Some of us no longer even dress up to go to the office. School systems are acclimating through online learning, but kids are barred from playgrounds and lose physically and socially essential sports activities. Not to mention the parents who no longer get space for themselves with kids at home, and are left to navigate online schooling.

This is change that came upon us abruptly. We lost the way of life we once knew and it is no longer here. And it will not come back anytime soon, exactly as it was before.

How grief affects us:

In an interview with London Real podcast, Gregg Braden, scientist and author of the book “The Divine Matrix,” said he believes we are, collectively and simultaneously, knowingly or unknowingly, going through the process of grieving. The theory of the five stages of grief — Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance — was originally developed by the Swiss American psychiatrist Elizabeth Kubler-Ross, but has come to be an almost universal code.

I remember many of my clients experiencing confusion, fear, anxiety and having difficulty sleeping at the beginning of the pandemic. Some fell into minor depression, overeating or drinking. Some were eager to adapt and look for new opportunities to make change happen quickly. Some still remain unknowingly in a state of limbo, waiting for the old life to come back. And while you wait for the old life to return, which will not happen for a while or may not happen at all, you are not moving forward or reinventing yourself through the acceptance of what is.

Why many get stuck in the grieving stages and sabotage their future:

It is important to acknowledge these stages of the grieving process, while being careful not to drag them out or worse, get caught up in one. Certainly, you don’t need to move through these stages in order. In fact, many studies show that those grieving move around the stages in different order.

Think of your life like a novel consisting of chapters. You are the writer. All chapters have a beginning, middle and end. They end as you graduate school, leave a job, sell your business, end a relationship, move to a new place, finish a project, change careers or lose something or someone. The end is not a bad thing, it leads to growth and a new beginning. Each beginning starts a new chapter.

How to powerfully and more effectively move through grief:

Coaching has been proven to be highly effective in helping people move through life transitions, such as loss in a healthy way, that leads them to self-discovery and transformation. One of the most powerful methods used in the professional world of coaching is the “inquiry method.” It encourages curiosity and independent thought, and is an indispensable learning tool. By asking a powerful open-ended question, a good coach can help challenge a client into accepting a completely new thought and action, and support them as they move into a new way of life. The technique is also known as the Socratic Method and is a powerful way to teach critical thinking and self-discovery.

Socrates, the Greek philosopher who founded Western thought, insisted he was neither a teacher nor a mentor. He likened himself to a midwife, someone who helped his students find their answers through a self-examining dialogue. This is the essence of pure coaching. An experienced coach may only need to ask a few thought-provoking questions in a session to help their client shift perception and create new awareness and insight. It can be quite magical.

Here is the big question: How do you move past the stages of loss and ultimately find a new and better version of you?

Very simple: recognize the inciting event, reflect, observe, find new meaning and lessons, and apply it to your new attitude and behavior.

When growing up, children learn primarily through imitation, copying and repeating. They are sponges absorbing data from the outside world. Adults continue to grow and process information and experience, but learn differently. We still memorize and replicate what we hear and see to fill our knowledge banks. But we need to be able to access a different skill-set to evolve beyond mere instruction.

Adults need to be able to reflect, conceptualize, search for meaning, analyze and make conclusions in order to truly learn and grow. This is akin to thinking like a researcher. David Kolb, an educational theorist who has widely contributed to adult learning approaches in psychology, proposes a 4-stage model to adult learning.

1. The concrete experience (choose the event or experience to learn from)

2. Reflection and observation of the experience (describe this event to yourself)

3. Abstract conceptualization of the experience (identify the meaning and learning from the experience)

4. Active experimentation of the new learning and insight (implement this meaning into your new life)

Using the 4-stage model to unlock a new and better you:

1. Using the COVID-19 pandemic as a life-changing event, you’ve selected this as your starting point.

2. Observe and reflect on what you have lost and gained. You may need to do some thorough examination of your values, beliefs, patterns and behaviors.

3. In your limbo stage of the ending chapter, you may want to ask yourself what you need to do differently as you are about to begin a new way of life.

4. And you need to consider the fact that the new way of life is still not fully known and it may be very different from what it was pre-pandemic. Have an open mind and be certain about your new values and beliefs, as you begin to implement them into your new way of life.

As you move through this exercise, keep the following in mind:

What can help you move from finding meaning to the discovery of a new lesson and insight? Powerful open-ended solution-focused questioning, and knowing where you are in the grieving cycle will get you there. You are the expert on your life. All you need is to ask yourself these questions.

Open-ended questions start with “what,” “how,” “where,” “who” or “when.” You should never ask a question beginning with “why,” because that prompts you to look for the cause of a problem and often invites blame and keeps you in the problem frame as opposed to moving into outcome. Powerful questions are future-oriented and focused on solutions.

Examples of solution-focused, open-ended questions to help you move into a resourceful state and perception shift:

· What resources do I have to help me navigate my new life and become healthier?

· How do I reconnect with my community in a safe and productive way?

· How do I use my time and current resources to find a new career?

· Where do I need to be to grow spiritually and overcome emotional pain?

· What do I need to overcome within me to open myself to a long-term relationship?

· How do I satisfy my need for social connection and stay safe at the same time?

· What do I need to change in my business model to help retain clients or find new ones?

· What stops me from quitting smoking and how do I get past that?

Each of these questions carries an answer within them. Your goal is to have the guts and confidence to ask questions based on their forward movement and outcome. Do not be afraid to be bold. You will undoubtedly get an answer. It will come from within. If not right away, then as you go through your day. Have a paper and pen handy (or memos on your phone).

How self-hypnosis can get you there faster:

The last important piece is the power of self-hypnosis. Hypnosis is a process of transmitting data into your mind. It’s not mind control or people clucking like chickens on a stage. Forget old stereotypes. Hypnosis is about data transmission into the mind. The data can be transmitted exceptionally well and quite effectively while you are relaxed, focused or in a meditative state. In those states, you are simply more receptive, without the head noise that can get in a way of learning and absorption. Hypnosis is about learning a new attitude, mindset or a pattern of behavior.

After you ask yourself a few powerful open-ended questions, turn your answers into powerful affirmation statements. Use these statements while you’re in a state of deep relaxation to program yourself for change in mindset and behavior. You can simply make your own recordings on the phone. For relaxation techniques, use guided imagery or any other traditional hypnotic induction, like progressive relaxation. You can also use any meditation technique you want, like breathing or mantra or a body scan. This will get you into the state of attention to suggestion. Once you are in the state of focus and thoughtlessness, begin to repeat your affirmations silently with your inner voice inside of yourself for five or ten minutes.

Like the game show Jeopardy, you have the answers. You just have to find the right questions. And just like you are programmed by the world around you from the day you are born, you can also start programming yourself right here and right now. Author a better you for your next amazing life chapter.

Attend Elena’s free event “Discover a Better You through Accepting the Loss of Your Pre-COVID Life” on September 1st at 2:30pm Pacific, sign up at www.elenamosaner.com to receive your Zoom link and passcode.