How I found my Empowered Feminine on my first ayahuasca experience.
There is a unique tradition in Russia. It happens right before Christmas when people (I believe mostly girls) use various prediction rituals to look into their future. They ask questions like how many kids they will have, when they will get married, what their husband will look like, and other inquiries into their future. I participated in this ritual once when I was about 16 years old with a group of Russian girls. It was fun, odd and worth the exploration. We did it late at night in the darkness with various props like a glass of water, a wedding ring attached to a string and some candles. My prediction was that I would get married by the age of 28. By cultural standards, that was pretty late for a Russian woman. Most girls were expected to marry in their early 20s, and the majority of my friends did. Nonetheless, I wasn’t surprised that my predicted date came at such a late age, as by then I was ambitious for much more than just getting married.
Instead, I moved to the U.S in my twenties. I learned the language, studied in college, actively pursued my career goals and lived happily ever after in New York City for many, many, years. And by the time I was 28, I realized I was still single. The prediction from that dark teenage night did not come true. Then a year after a year, I was still not married and beginning to wonder if it would ever happen.
NYC life is interesting and fast moving. It’s certainly a rich life socially and culturally. In fact, many women in the city remain single for a long time. There is so much to pursue there, that it is easy to lose track of reality and get too involved with self-development, social life and actively chase your professional goals.
There was a time in my life when I was determinably and contentedly single, until I opened myself for a serious relationship again. It lasted a few years and I blindly had high hopes for it, even though in hindsight I could see it was not working on many levels. One day, I was devastated and tired from the crumbling relationship that I was holding onto with all my might.
I was 33 years old and thinking about having a family, but something was blocking me. Being a hypnotherapist myself with a practice on the Upper East Side, I was quite successful helping other people change their habits and behavior by altering mindsets. But I couldn’t help myself. I felt like I needed deeper work and insight into my patterns with relationships. Besides, it is hard to work on your own issues as a hypnotherapist and coach. You’re always better off with another “set of eyes on you” and some outside work.
For about five years I kept hearing about the amazing benefits of ayahuasca and psychedelics. But I was not ready to try it myself until one day, when I began to lose my faith in ever meeting my husband.
I’ll never forget it. I reached out to an acquaintance who was involved in Santo Daime ceremonies in New York City. Santo Daime is a religious type of ceremony that incorporates the use of ayahuasca. Ayahuasca itself is illegal in the U.S. unless it’s done with supervision through a church or similar type of institution. So, this was a judicious bet and I would still get a chance to experience the medicine in a safe environment in the heart of Manhattan. I was quickly introduced to the right people who interviewed me, went over the ground rules and guidelines and scheduled me to do my first ceremony.
The night before the big event, I went out with two of my friends. I remember sharing with them the difficulties of my then current relationship. And one friend mentioned something about being a Goddess. I heard what she was saying, but the concept went over my head. I didn’t give it much attention. To my surprise the theme of a Goddess would become a big part of my Santo Daime ceremony the following day.
After the first cup of the infamous medicinal tea, I sat with everyone trying to sing the spiritual songs. They were all in Portuguese, so I followed the lyrics from the book they gave me. I was eagerly waiting for something to happen. I read so much about the ayahuasca experiences and how people would see tunnels, sacred geometry, otherworldly imagery and even spirits and energies. There was nothing for a while. I kept singing. And suddenly, it all had started.
First, I began to see the shadows in the room becoming more vivid. I became aware that there are more many shadows surrounding us than we realize, we just never really pay attention to them. But they just began to come more to the forefront and became strikingly apparent to me. One by one. The shadow of a chair, a book, the shadow of someone’s foot or arm, curtain or table. I was mesmerized by these illuminating dark shadows. They were everywhere!
Then, from the bottom of my feet, I felt as if something began to enter me, like an energy of some kind. It gently moved up my body, through every cell, into my back and each vertebra of my spine, one at a time, literally straightening my posture, making me sit nice and straight and regal. And it felt very comfortable to me, with no physical tension in my body. The energy felt strikingly alive and supportive.
Many things and visions happened after that. I remember how my mom’s shadow stood behind me to my left side. I felt her pain and fear of losing my father. I realized how I inherited that fear. The fear, which she developed throughout their relationship, of which I became a silent witness as a child. And apparently, I absorbed and made this fear — the shadow — part of my psyche. During the ceremony, I became aware of it so profoundly. I then saw how her fear’s shadow gently stepped out. It was gone. I knew this from the moment I released it. I was magically relieved of the fear that did not belong to me.
Sometime during the ceremony, I remember purging an overload of the masculine energy I’d acquired over the years living in New York. I had been using this masculine energy as a source of protection, empowerment, striving for achievement and drive and relentless pursuit of success. I realized how toxic it was for my well-being as a woman. I had too much of it. I understood how I had been neglecting my feminine for so many years, because I was seeing it as somehow not good enough or weak.
I remember this masculine energy in my body during the ceremony. Strangely enough it began to look like dark hair growing out of my skin everywhere. Almost like a werewolf. I felt nauseous as I saw it. I was intoxicated by this feeling and sight. At that moment I wanted it out of me at all cost. Then I knew this was that moment everyone talked about, the actual physical purging. The bucket was next to me. I looked down and I let this intoxicating heavy feeling all out of me. Yes, I purged. It was mostly energy.
Suddenly, I felt lightness in me, a soft, gentle sweet feeling that was beneath the surface of the over protective and dominant masculine. I felt so at ease, like a flow of clean water was running through me, so natural and so alive. I felt settled, vulnerable and still safe.
Then I saw a spiral. I somehow knew this was about being a Goddess. Before this vision, I knew nothing about this archetype, other than hearing some stories about Goddesses as fictional characters or in some women’s circles about “embodying the goddess” and so on. To be honest, I didn’t have many good associations with the term, given how it was explored in cyberspace. I thought it was a cheesy concept, some queen acting overpowering or even seductive. It was not my thing. At all.
Looking at it, I saw different women at some points of the spiral. Some were higher up, some not. The spiral indicated the growth of a woman, going from darkness to light, in more power and dignity.
Then, suddenly I felt this energy moving through me again. I will never forget it. It was different from what I felt at the beginning of the ceremony, which was a clearing and cleansing. This one felt infusing. Infusing me with immense power. It felt so solid, so still, so confident, unshakable, unapologetic. It felt loving at the same time and like a guiding force and protector. Feminine God-like Force. I felt this power within me which I knew wanted to shine, give, direct and guide me and others. I felt unashamed about it. And I felt humble about it. It was solid all throughout me, my body, my mind and my whole being and experience. It felt in my core, very safe and solid. There was no place for any fear or shadow there. It was the Goddess within. I met her so closely within me and I still remember it.
Looking back, I learned the Goddess is an immaculate balance between feminine and masculine in many ways. And yet, she is a Goddess, a God in a female form, a female vessel for her feminine and inner masculine. What’s more is that she honors her feminine.
Many things changed after that ceremony. The next day I wrote a poem, and even set down the tenets of being a True Goddess. I still frequently refer to them. Also, when I am confronted with a challenging or difficult situation or feel like I may be losing ground or sight, I ask myself: “What would a Goddess do now; how would she respond?” I listen to myself and feel her power within me again, guiding me with dignity and humility in the right direction.
This experience and insight informed my hypnotherapy practice and took it in a new direction. Since then, I have been working with many women, helping them find their inner balance and self-worth and let go of the limiting patterns that hold them back from meeting their lifetime partner. Ultimately, it is about honoring your feminine and acting from the place of an inner Goddess when it comes to relationships and life in general. A Goddess never chases. She is patient and she trusts herself. In a Goddess’s solid magnificent presence, as a woman you can attract your soulmate. Many men are attracted to this calmness, confidence, warmness and solid feminine energy.
So, as a woman, you ought to heal your wounds, any shame, guilt, anger and resentment first. Especially towards men. You need to find a way to your sweet, gentle, soft and empowered feminine and ultimately to your inner Goddess. The rest arrives in its due time.
I didn’t get married at 28. Those Russian pre-Christmas rituals are fun, but relying on predictions like that is obviously silly. I married when I was ready. In my own unique timing. I married when I found my center, my woman within. And that was the right time.
——————————
Join my free Zoom event on October 6th at 2;30pm Pacific, to help you recover, heal and balance your feminine. We will do some exercises and a powerful hypnotic experience of balancing your two poles and meeting your Inner Goddess. RSVP at Eventbrite.